Wow...what had just happened? Hmmm? Well, let's see...I see a friend of mine, who happens to be an ex-boyfriend, and what happened? Well, we talk? What do we talk about? His seizures...and the fact that they're bad...not as bad as last year, but bad enough that he has to take some kind of different medication for it...and as soon as he's done with that, he gets back only to tell me 'anyway, gotta go. later' and JUST before I can say 'Fine, later' - since because we haven't talked that much lately - and since I'm in need of someone to talk to, I don't want him to go, but to care for someone, you've to have respect for that person, right? Well, before I could reply back with my good-bye, he f-ing gets offline...but I say to myself, 'Thanks, alot [so-so] I never got to say good-bye.' I'm hurt...hurt but at the same time, thinking 'THIS IS THE EXACT REASON WHAT MADE ME CHOOSE A SWEET FOREIGN[EUROPEAN OR SOUTH-EAST ASIAN LAD] AS A SWEETHEART OVER A TYPICAL AMERICAN GUY'
Speaking of two specific sweet guy friends of mine, (A Brazilian who's mainly of Italian and Portuguese descent and a German bloke) they don't get offline without me saying good-bye...it's only good manners. Boy, if only I could see them both, I wouldn't feel this sick with loneliness and emptiness that comes after being left, without giving a farewell response...or even a long while without talking to a nice guy friend...even if it's my ex-boyfriend...the one who logged off before I could say good-bye, myself.
It's as if I don't have a voice...like I feel like no one wants to hear what I've to say but what that person says is more important....and yet, I catch myself talking more about myself or other stuff - either way, I sometimes over-talk...sometimes, it's karma, sometimes, it's not...
But, then again, has this always happened to me? Feeling like as if I needed to say something that was more important in the past? Yes. With my ex-boyfriend, I have. With a gay guy friend of mine who has an intellectual mind, more than my own, yes - especially last year...I felt so desperate....I needed more than myself and my imaginary friends to talk to...I needed someone else to talk to besides just 2 guy friends - one who acted like he didn't notice my e-mails and what I said and kept blabbing about what he found more interesting - which I perceived as his are more important than mine - and they consisted of epilepsy, computers, youtube videos - nothing serious to talk about, basically - or wouldn't even show a slight interest in what I had said...while the other guy only responded with quick and short responses like 'ok', 'don't know', 'no', 'yes'...or sometimes, he'd just tell me he had to leave or he wouldn't even respond...basically, was on autopilot...he was there, online, but he wasn't responding to anything in long detailed responses or acted like he wasn't there...either way, with whichever guy, I felt so neglected, unwanted, dull and even wondered if they thought I was pathetic...it was always the same ol' crap that I needed to talk about...but what more is there that I could do? Guys here in this city are no-good...and I don't care enough to search for guys elsewhere outside the state of Texas within the United States...given the impression that American men in general are of the following:
1. arrogant, snotty men in university who look down on those who have to work for money while 'mommy and daddy' get to pay for their expensive way of living
2. lustful, smutty pigs who get more turned on by the look of a girl's ass or boobs than by what book she's looking at
3. self-centered bastards who are more interested in the latest gadget of electronics, auto, news on which team won their favorite sport - making like as if girls or their girlfriends don't exist!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WASN'T I BORN IN GERMANY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY COULDN'T MY DAD KEPT HIS FUCKING PROMISE TO MY MOTHER, THAT HE'D SEND FOR HER, WHILE HE WAS STILL STATIONED IN FULDA?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WAS I BORN IN THIS SHIT-HOLE OF A COUNTRY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....I don't know...but maybe I was supposed to be born there...otherwise, why do I have a fondness for German guys my age, the culture, the history, the music, the regional weathers, foods, the people from the regions - Leipzig, Berlin, Hamburg, Stuttgart, Munch - wherever...the castles, the countrysides, the food stalls, the cities, the small towns during Christmas, the traditional lederhosen, the love of football(soccer to Americans)...man, they're one of the few European groups I'd rather date, be him bearing brown, black, dirty blonde, or blonde hair with green, blue, dark or grey eyes - no matter if he speaks fluent German and no English or has trouble speaking English but wishes to learn it, fluent in German or is fluent in both English and German. Be him decent or rare, I don't care...I'd like him for his serious demeanor, sense of punctuality, diligence, family-oriented, has an interest in other cultures and some forms of art, is sensitive but intelligent, tough but logical. He doesn't have to look like a German Brad Pitt but he doesn't need to be 'butt-ugly' to attract me...all that attracts me are his personality, intelligence, the way he treats his family and friends...same goes for Italians, Czechs, Danes, Irish and Scottish laddies...I feel these Euro-men give me more of the better impression and more of the motivation to relocate than an American gives me more of what needs to be done to stay put.
Well, done, my fellow American men, for you all inspired me to dislike you and reject your advances toward me. Get lost...I don't need any of you. The only men I'll ever love, until I've a boyfriend(he'll become someone I'll love as well and as much) are my grandpa, dad, cousins, and older brother and my 4 kid brothers.
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