My Favorite Mistake

Listening to the hit song by Sheryl Crow - and also my topic headline, is a dedication to my first boyfriend.
And I'm thinking about my past - or yet, - past relationships - or that ONE, in which I had FINALLY - for the first time, in ever, had a cute - insanely cute - and sweet and sensitive boyfriend...is what I am thinking about. Although, I'm soooo no longer in love with him, at all - for that matter, I do find myself wondering if there was any alternative other than a harsh break-up, that I could have done or that he could have done.
Seems like only yesterday when I had first set my eyes on a red-headed guy...walking to the work training area in that particular place...I had been friends with a duo of boys...one of whom had red hair, though it was straight...he also had beautiful blue eyes, pasty skin and he had worn glasses. I liked him to the point I was going to tell him how I felt...that day never came since he and his brother - whom I spoke with on certain occasions, over there, had left...for good...never to return. So, the next red-head I set my eyes on was this outgoing, friendly, sweet and sensitive but somewhat troubled guy with a baby face and had a lovely pair of green eyes with big lashes and had worn glasses. How my heart went out to him: At lunch-time or break-time, where we had gone to the cafeteria to eat a snack, I had let him sit with me - if it was possible that no one would respond in disagreement with me....if so, however, I felt for him...or, if he would have a seat before I did at another table, I'd sit with him. I'd cry - not noticeably - if he'd gotten lectured by our supervisor for rebelling against the work rules - mostly for talking while working, giving attitude responses and such... If he'd look at me, I'd smile at him and he would return the smile back at me...his face would be utterly angelic...gosh, he had such a beautiful smile...I thought I was looking at a child... The day I told him I had a crush on him - which I had since the day I discovered the other two guys - one of whom had a similar resemblence to him had left for good - was when he had asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I remember feeling hesitant to answer with a "yes" but I had thought "Maybe he'd like to be with a girl"...so, I declared a "Yes". How I wished he could have remained the same person as he did when I was warmed up by his primary nature. Even though it was once, if anyone dared to say something hurtful or mean to me, my Zach would snap at that person - telling him to lay off of his girl - I was his girl and that person needed to leave her alone and mind his business - referring to me.
Why did I have to watch him, in the end, become someone I feared, someone I worried about more and more - with us as a couple -, someone I became hurt by though I forgave and tolerated, onward? Why? Why? Oh, why? Was it that I was hanging out more with another guy(whom would eventually be my 2nd boyfriend) who was a computer whiz and was - I have to admit - easy to talk to and was more mature than you, my darling Zach? Was it that I was, in general, trying too hard to keep you interested? Was it me? Why did I, in the end, have to hear Brian, the whiz, tell me, upon my request, that you never loved me to begin with? I had wished it was all a terrible dream...and that I'd wake up, thanking God I was dreaming and that I had waken up, with tears welling up in my eyes and I would have this smile on my face, breathing a big sigh of relief...and I would take a shower, get dressed and head out...and greet you with a "good morning" and a smile on my face for you...and we'd be together - at each others' side, arm-to-arm
Why, dear Zach, why did you have to make me believe that you loved me when, in reality, you never did? For that matter, why did you not take time to sit by me and hold me in your arms when I had shed tears after I had been verbally thrashed by two guys and had watched my room-mate humiliate and mock me? Why couldn't you talk to me - about me or you - rather than make calls at 12, 1, 2 or 3am on every other night, just to make me hear whatever pornography you had been playing on your laptop? Why did I have to laugh my ass off and feel so breathless when I was with you and yet, the next moment, tears poured down my face like drizzle from grey clouds...followed by buying bags of chips, packs of miniature donuts, and some honey buns with 2 or 3 cans of Dr. Pepper or Pepsi, go to my room, lock myself in, crank up some sappy songs and stuff my face with my junk food, sooner or later, bawling like a baby or find myself sketching images of you or write stories about us in the future, thinking of a happy time?! Was I not enough for you?! Was I too virgin-like for you? Was talking about sex not enough? Were pictures, of me - in NUDE, that I had taken from my disposable camera and gave to you, not enough?! I never dared to sneak out at 1am to go to your part of the dorm to knock on your door and get it on... I know I'd be risking my future if I had done so...
I should have known you were going to hurt me so. Not even my friends' begging for me to leave you could stop me from loving you and staying with you. I had done what I had done - all for you - I wanted you - and only you! I grew so fucking jealous when you hung out with your pals and the other girls! - even when you hung out with Brian! I did question if you ever really loved me every week, if not every day! Son of a bitch, Zach, was I just a hoax?! Did you see me as a conquest?! Was this a joke to you?! Tell me, Zach, did you howl with laughter and chug down shots of Cognac, having a celebration party with your immature pals, when you found out how I took it when OUR friend told me how you REALLY felt after 5 trying months of being with you - on and off?!! I bet you did!! I just bet you did!! You should have seen the look on my face!! I wished so much that you could have seen the hell I went through just for trying to keep you and be with you!! Was it so bad to have me?!!! What the hell did I ever do to you to make you hurt me the way you did?!! Or, yet, what was it that I DIDN'T do?!! Was it more fun to be with your immature and stupid little ignorant friends - playing video games and Yu-Gi-Oh cards and you, playing with your fucking games, watching your sickening and nauseating porn and boring movies on your stupid little laptop than to hang out with your girlfriend who needed and wanted you?!!
I loved you so much that I thought I was going to die the night I found out your true feelings..."Why does she love me? I don't love her. I NEVER loved her" still go through my head. I wished I had died due to broken-heart disease...or from too much junk food and carbonated drinks I was drowning in just to shut me up from wailing.
Oh, my love...my sweet....my Zach...I would have done so much more for you...I never cheated, I kept strong, despite my downturns, to keep you. I just didn't want to put a sweet and worthy guy with Aspergers, through what my dad put my mom through. I know you deserved better. Couldn't you see how much I loved you? I would have sacrificed my life for you, in the end.
But in the end, rather, I was unaware that I was growing closer to my more witty, mature and attentive friend, although I didn't act on it...I knew I had you and couldn't two time. I know you wouldn't forgive me if that ever happened...or so I thought.
I was put through more breaks and beatings from Brian...in the end, not to mention, so fucked up - 3 MORE times! But...at least he didn't use me for a booty call or for firing up his hormones...and at least we talked about stuff - when we were going through problems 2 months before our eventual breakup.
It's not so fucking easy to let go of my pain that you, Zach, put me through. Although I want nothing to do with you, the memories I have of you are what keep me like this: from EVER really 100% trusting - at least - American men, in general with their intentions.
With Brian, it was different...the love I had for him was more than for you. I felt so content with him, that I couldn't be without him. I recall that 3 days before Christmas of 2007 when he left for the holiday 30 minutes away up north - in New Braunfels - and shortly after my dad left, who came to visit me and Brian - whom he met and got on with - I broke down...I cried when I watched some T.V., while I was on the computer and listening to the songs I listened to while my Brian was there...I even cried while I was looking for the most desolate place to sit and let my voice box cry out...none, except my own room, offered that. I cried myself to sleep...especially as I laid my head down on my pillow, in the same spot he laid his head against, since his back was hurting...and thinking a pillow could help out. The smell of his fragrance made me cry more...I was missing him so much...In all, I cried for nearly 6 hours...I was yearning for him to be with me and hold me...to have seen him sit with me and hold me - or my hand - or both...to see him smile at me, look at me and for him to tell me that he loved me.
I hurt so badly when we first broke up...but I wanted to be by myself...to drown in my sorrow, my tears...perhaps sleep and cry, not eat anything...but with work training, forget it...Oh, how I hated being around and with people...to have to put on a mask and be happy and hopeful...to be strong...just to get staff and close friends - few of whom would tell staff about me - off my back...I didn't want anyone helping me - or lecturing me!...not even the campus counselor! I WANTED TO BE ALONE!!
With Zachary coming back into my face, pressuring me to go back out with him, and me denying his offer, with him trashing me the next minute, was like putting a gun to my mouth...literally in my mouth and pulling back the safety...and though I gave into Zach's words, I wasn't giving up on going with my own plans...I thought it'd be an upper cut on Zach for me to do what he did to me...pretend to love him when I REALLY didn't love him - ANYMORE!! For me to be single when he wasn't around me...heh...I thrashed my suicide plan and went along with slowly suffering from both sides...continuing to suffer heartbreak from a break-up with someone I REALLY REALLY loved...more than anything...and suffering the shit I was to go through again with the prick who initially made me a fool...
Well, to hell with you - All I've left - and rather have - to some extent - are memories of us. I, still have the deep love I know I am capable of giving to someone who deserves it but who can also be good to me...not treat me like shit
For now, I'm hopeful that I may find that love of my life and be with him - or wait for him to come to me...as long as he's also some good friend I trust.