Ah, memories...my love...my treasure...from the little things, sometimes, in detail, to the biggest situations in my life which molded me into this little individual that I am, well, my memories are the best thing I can bear...although there are are moments when I wish that I could just close my eyes and not see the places I'm seeing, hear what I hear, be where I am, see who I see - on a daily basis...and wish that the horrible things that happened to me were erased from my head...but what's worse? Living in a traumatized-like situation much like ones I've endured in my past or living life, ignoring what happened? Well, only God knows. How the heck am I supposed to know? He sees what everyone goes through every single day.
I imagine myself walking down a lonely-looking neighborhood at night during winter. There are cars parked outside a particular house and I stop and stand there, staring inside the house...and see a family gathering...children, grandparents, a few teenagers or young-looking adults, and middle-aged adults...talking, laughing, embracing one another and...just enjoying the company of the others or another...I'm just standing there, unnoticed...looking in. I long to reach the front and knock, at least be a part of that family for a moment and share laughter and good conversation with these folks...but the urge to continue looking in and bask in my precious memories is stronger...until I tire of it, and walk alone, on my way...wherever I'm going.
What are the memories of? My darling childhood past family get-togethers during holidays...my little cousin always hanging out with me, our moms and dads, our grandma and grandpa, our single and fun-loving aunt, our only uncle...the typical family ties we had...especially during Christmas. Man, do I miss opening up gifts containing Barbie accessories and more Barbie dolls:)
Is that all that goes through my head as my childhood? No...not even a bit. I was more close-knit with my grandma, my daddy and my cousin Koren Alyse Nowak...the sweet and sensitive little girl who always greeted me with a hug and kiss, with whom to color in coloring books, with whom to play "House", Barbie dolls or talk to...especially at our own kiddie table with little kiddie chairs, or with whom to go outside in the backyard and play inside a playhouse my grandma had for us, or swing on the swing-set. She always also cried whenever one of our grandparents would get after me - more my grandpa than my grandma...then our grandma would have to calm us both down or my cousin and I would hug each other, crying. She would also cry whenever I was leaving...obviously, I was crying too...I was already missing my cousin and my grandma.
My own family? We were pretty close...in some ways. I recall my mom just being the mom that she was - always making sure to take care of my older brother and I. My mom would also do the same for my dad, not to mention, her always dressed up for work...how I remember being in the backseat of the vehicle and looking at my mom caressing my dad's bald head. The times they laughed together, how I miss my 'Vatti's' laugh....full of life. The one thing I also remember was how good he was with kids. He loved spending time with my little cousins and I, especially if there was a family party going on - mostly at my paternal grandma's and if there'd been a moonwalk - a play-place that had been blown up and the kids would go in and jump, flip, bounce - play around with each other...my dad would join in and wrestle with my cousin and I. I didn't mind wrestling with him, although my cousin was a bit delicate when wrestling. Daddy always had a certain fragrance I loved so much when he'd come in the family room, after having been gone for a few weeks or a month...wearing a black, brown, green-shaded uniform with black boots and the same patterned cap...clean-shaven except for a mustache...little me would run up to him, shouting "Daddy! Daddy!" throwing my arms around him and he doing the same, welcoming me. Even at a smaller age, I remember watching him tie his boots, dressed up in his uniform. My big brother? Very protective of me when I was a baby...never left my sight even when a friend or family member would even pat my head as I laid in my crib. He was also quite inviting with me in playing video games, although he kicked my ass so many times at whatever games we'd play...mostly a player vs. player in fighting-kicking, punching, combined with jumping-games. He, of course, would also make me laugh...by the faces he'd make and the voice impersonations...namely. But, he beared a rebellious nature as he and my dad would get into it at times, if not often...most of the time, the spats were my brother's fault...other times? Not so...ha, I never even seen them fight. The kid was also an avid artist of sketching, stenciling and the like...not to mention, a nerd at math and politics but described as a class clown(Capricorn traits). My brother would pick me up from school and we'd drive around the neighborhood listening to old school rap...Snoop Dogg, Wu-Tang Clan, Notorious BIG, Tupac, P.Diddy, etc. I'd mostly sit up front with him listening to the radio, sometimes, I'd be looking at him as he'd sing - mostly in a impersonating voice. He at one time, for once, defended me from a group of boys taunting me in the playground at school and threatened them to kick their asses if he'd catch them pick on me again. All in all? He's a good big brother.
Well, those are the majortity of the memories I have of my childhood. I wish, sometimes, if I think about it, that it was a dream...nothing but a sick and scary dream...I'd wake up and find my dad at my side with a drink at hand, calming me down. Or, he'd pick me up and take me to the room he and my mom would sleep in...and I'd sleep with them two. The next morning, I'd wake up and find my mom at the table, my dad cooking breakfast and my brother would be in the bathroom...and I'd smile, thinking how happy and thankful I am of finding my mom, dad and brother right there with me...:)
Ah, if this were a fragrance, it'd be sweet to the nose...smelling of roses
If this were a musical instrument, it'd be soothing to the ears...a sweet calming harp
If this were some music playing, it'd be cheerful but calming to my soul...Bach's Violin Concerto in E Major, BWV 1042 III
If this were a visual, it'd be beautiful to my eyes...nothing but clouds...in shades of lavendar, sky blue, light purple, gold and a cream colo
If this were a taste in my mouth, it'd be sweet and soft...tiramisu...
If this was my dying wish, I'd make it my will that my family would come back together and be at peace with each other
I want that back. I miss experiencing such happiness like that...
No comments:
Post a Comment