Listening to the hit song by Sheryl Crow - and also my topic headline, is a dedication to my first boyfriend.
And I'm thinking about my past - or yet, - past relationships - or that ONE, in which I had FINALLY - for the first time, in ever, had a cute - insanely cute - and sweet and sensitive boyfriend...is what I am thinking about. Although, I'm soooo no longer in love with him, at all - for that matter, I do find myself wondering if there was any alternative other than a harsh break-up, that I could have done or that he could have done.
Seems like only yesterday when I had first set my eyes on a red-headed guy...walking to the work training area in that particular place...I had been friends with a duo of boys...one of whom had red hair, though it was straight...he also had beautiful blue eyes, pasty skin and he had worn glasses. I liked him to the point I was going to tell him how I felt...that day never came since he and his brother - whom I spoke with on certain occasions, over there, had left...for good...never to return. So, the next red-head I set my eyes on was this outgoing, friendly, sweet and sensitive but somewhat troubled guy with a baby face and had a lovely pair of green eyes with big lashes and had worn glasses. How my heart went out to him: At lunch-time or break-time, where we had gone to the cafeteria to eat a snack, I had let him sit with me - if it was possible that no one would respond in disagreement with me....if so, however, I felt for him...or, if he would have a seat before I did at another table, I'd sit with him. I'd cry - not noticeably - if he'd gotten lectured by our supervisor for rebelling against the work rules - mostly for talking while working, giving attitude responses and such... If he'd look at me, I'd smile at him and he would return the smile back at me...his face would be utterly angelic...gosh, he had such a beautiful smile...I thought I was looking at a child... The day I told him I had a crush on him - which I had since the day I discovered the other two guys - one of whom had a similar resemblence to him had left for good - was when he had asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I remember feeling hesitant to answer with a "yes" but I had thought "Maybe he'd like to be with a girl"...so, I declared a "Yes". How I wished he could have remained the same person as he did when I was warmed up by his primary nature. Even though it was once, if anyone dared to say something hurtful or mean to me, my Zach would snap at that person - telling him to lay off of his girl - I was his girl and that person needed to leave her alone and mind his business - referring to me.
Why did I have to watch him, in the end, become someone I feared, someone I worried about more and more - with us as a couple -, someone I became hurt by though I forgave and tolerated, onward? Why? Why? Oh, why? Was it that I was hanging out more with another guy(whom would eventually be my 2nd boyfriend) who was a computer whiz and was - I have to admit - easy to talk to and was more mature than you, my darling Zach? Was it that I was, in general, trying too hard to keep you interested? Was it me? Why did I, in the end, have to hear Brian, the whiz, tell me, upon my request, that you never loved me to begin with? I had wished it was all a terrible dream...and that I'd wake up, thanking God I was dreaming and that I had waken up, with tears welling up in my eyes and I would have this smile on my face, breathing a big sigh of relief...and I would take a shower, get dressed and head out...and greet you with a "good morning" and a smile on my face for you...and we'd be together - at each others' side, arm-to-arm
Why, dear Zach, why did you have to make me believe that you loved me when, in reality, you never did? For that matter, why did you not take time to sit by me and hold me in your arms when I had shed tears after I had been verbally thrashed by two guys and had watched my room-mate humiliate and mock me? Why couldn't you talk to me - about me or you - rather than make calls at 12, 1, 2 or 3am on every other night, just to make me hear whatever pornography you had been playing on your laptop? Why did I have to laugh my ass off and feel so breathless when I was with you and yet, the next moment, tears poured down my face like drizzle from grey clouds...followed by buying bags of chips, packs of miniature donuts, and some honey buns with 2 or 3 cans of Dr. Pepper or Pepsi, go to my room, lock myself in, crank up some sappy songs and stuff my face with my junk food, sooner or later, bawling like a baby or find myself sketching images of you or write stories about us in the future, thinking of a happy time?! Was I not enough for you?! Was I too virgin-like for you? Was talking about sex not enough? Were pictures, of me - in NUDE, that I had taken from my disposable camera and gave to you, not enough?! I never dared to sneak out at 1am to go to your part of the dorm to knock on your door and get it on... I know I'd be risking my future if I had done so...
I should have known you were going to hurt me so. Not even my friends' begging for me to leave you could stop me from loving you and staying with you. I had done what I had done - all for you - I wanted you - and only you! I grew so fucking jealous when you hung out with your pals and the other girls! - even when you hung out with Brian! I did question if you ever really loved me every week, if not every day! Son of a bitch, Zach, was I just a hoax?! Did you see me as a conquest?! Was this a joke to you?! Tell me, Zach, did you howl with laughter and chug down shots of Cognac, having a celebration party with your immature pals, when you found out how I took it when OUR friend told me how you REALLY felt after 5 trying months of being with you - on and off?!! I bet you did!! I just bet you did!! You should have seen the look on my face!! I wished so much that you could have seen the hell I went through just for trying to keep you and be with you!! Was it so bad to have me?!!! What the hell did I ever do to you to make you hurt me the way you did?!! Or, yet, what was it that I DIDN'T do?!! Was it more fun to be with your immature and stupid little ignorant friends - playing video games and Yu-Gi-Oh cards and you, playing with your fucking games, watching your sickening and nauseating porn and boring movies on your stupid little laptop than to hang out with your girlfriend who needed and wanted you?!!
I loved you so much that I thought I was going to die the night I found out your true feelings..."Why does she love me? I don't love her. I NEVER loved her" still go through my head. I wished I had died due to broken-heart disease...or from too much junk food and carbonated drinks I was drowning in just to shut me up from wailing.
Oh, my love...my sweet....my Zach...I would have done so much more for you...I never cheated, I kept strong, despite my downturns, to keep you. I just didn't want to put a sweet and worthy guy with Aspergers, through what my dad put my mom through. I know you deserved better. Couldn't you see how much I loved you? I would have sacrificed my life for you, in the end.
But in the end, rather, I was unaware that I was growing closer to my more witty, mature and attentive friend, although I didn't act on it...I knew I had you and couldn't two time. I know you wouldn't forgive me if that ever happened...or so I thought.
I was put through more breaks and beatings from Brian...in the end, not to mention, so fucked up - 3 MORE times! But...at least he didn't use me for a booty call or for firing up his hormones...and at least we talked about stuff - when we were going through problems 2 months before our eventual breakup.
It's not so fucking easy to let go of my pain that you, Zach, put me through. Although I want nothing to do with you, the memories I have of you are what keep me like this: from EVER really 100% trusting - at least - American men, in general with their intentions.
With Brian, it was different...the love I had for him was more than for you. I felt so content with him, that I couldn't be without him. I recall that 3 days before Christmas of 2007 when he left for the holiday 30 minutes away up north - in New Braunfels - and shortly after my dad left, who came to visit me and Brian - whom he met and got on with - I broke down...I cried when I watched some T.V., while I was on the computer and listening to the songs I listened to while my Brian was there...I even cried while I was looking for the most desolate place to sit and let my voice box cry out...none, except my own room, offered that. I cried myself to sleep...especially as I laid my head down on my pillow, in the same spot he laid his head against, since his back was hurting...and thinking a pillow could help out. The smell of his fragrance made me cry more...I was missing him so much...In all, I cried for nearly 6 hours...I was yearning for him to be with me and hold me...to have seen him sit with me and hold me - or my hand - or both...to see him smile at me, look at me and for him to tell me that he loved me.
I hurt so badly when we first broke up...but I wanted to be by myself...to drown in my sorrow, my tears...perhaps sleep and cry, not eat anything...but with work training, forget it...Oh, how I hated being around and with people...to have to put on a mask and be happy and hopeful...to be strong...just to get staff and close friends - few of whom would tell staff about me - off my back...I didn't want anyone helping me - or lecturing me!...not even the campus counselor! I WANTED TO BE ALONE!!
With Zachary coming back into my face, pressuring me to go back out with him, and me denying his offer, with him trashing me the next minute, was like putting a gun to my mouth...literally in my mouth and pulling back the safety...and though I gave into Zach's words, I wasn't giving up on going with my own plans...I thought it'd be an upper cut on Zach for me to do what he did to me...pretend to love him when I REALLY didn't love him - ANYMORE!! For me to be single when he wasn't around me...heh...I thrashed my suicide plan and went along with slowly suffering from both sides...continuing to suffer heartbreak from a break-up with someone I REALLY REALLY loved...more than anything...and suffering the shit I was to go through again with the prick who initially made me a fool...
Well, to hell with you - All I've left - and rather have - to some extent - are memories of us. I, still have the deep love I know I am capable of giving to someone who deserves it but who can also be good to me...not treat me like shit
For now, I'm hopeful that I may find that love of my life and be with him - or wait for him to come to me...as long as he's also some good friend I trust.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Cherished memories of mine...Mes souvenirs cheri...mon passe douce petite.
Ah, memories...my love...my treasure...from the little things, sometimes, in detail, to the biggest situations in my life which molded me into this little individual that I am, well, my memories are the best thing I can bear...although there are are moments when I wish that I could just close my eyes and not see the places I'm seeing, hear what I hear, be where I am, see who I see - on a daily basis...and wish that the horrible things that happened to me were erased from my head...but what's worse? Living in a traumatized-like situation much like ones I've endured in my past or living life, ignoring what happened? Well, only God knows. How the heck am I supposed to know? He sees what everyone goes through every single day.
I imagine myself walking down a lonely-looking neighborhood at night during winter. There are cars parked outside a particular house and I stop and stand there, staring inside the house...and see a family gathering...children, grandparents, a few teenagers or young-looking adults, and middle-aged adults...talking, laughing, embracing one another and...just enjoying the company of the others or another...I'm just standing there, unnoticed...looking in. I long to reach the front and knock, at least be a part of that family for a moment and share laughter and good conversation with these folks...but the urge to continue looking in and bask in my precious memories is stronger...until I tire of it, and walk alone, on my way...wherever I'm going.
What are the memories of? My darling childhood past family get-togethers during holidays...my little cousin always hanging out with me, our moms and dads, our grandma and grandpa, our single and fun-loving aunt, our only uncle...the typical family ties we had...especially during Christmas. Man, do I miss opening up gifts containing Barbie accessories and more Barbie dolls:)
Is that all that goes through my head as my childhood? No...not even a bit. I was more close-knit with my grandma, my daddy and my cousin Koren Alyse Nowak...the sweet and sensitive little girl who always greeted me with a hug and kiss, with whom to color in coloring books, with whom to play "House", Barbie dolls or talk to...especially at our own kiddie table with little kiddie chairs, or with whom to go outside in the backyard and play inside a playhouse my grandma had for us, or swing on the swing-set. She always also cried whenever one of our grandparents would get after me - more my grandpa than my grandma...then our grandma would have to calm us both down or my cousin and I would hug each other, crying. She would also cry whenever I was leaving...obviously, I was crying too...I was already missing my cousin and my grandma.
My own family? We were pretty close...in some ways. I recall my mom just being the mom that she was - always making sure to take care of my older brother and I. My mom would also do the same for my dad, not to mention, her always dressed up for work...how I remember being in the backseat of the vehicle and looking at my mom caressing my dad's bald head. The times they laughed together, how I miss my 'Vatti's' laugh....full of life. The one thing I also remember was how good he was with kids. He loved spending time with my little cousins and I, especially if there was a family party going on - mostly at my paternal grandma's and if there'd been a moonwalk - a play-place that had been blown up and the kids would go in and jump, flip, bounce - play around with each other...my dad would join in and wrestle with my cousin and I. I didn't mind wrestling with him, although my cousin was a bit delicate when wrestling. Daddy always had a certain fragrance I loved so much when he'd come in the family room, after having been gone for a few weeks or a month...wearing a black, brown, green-shaded uniform with black boots and the same patterned cap...clean-shaven except for a mustache...little me would run up to him, shouting "Daddy! Daddy!" throwing my arms around him and he doing the same, welcoming me. Even at a smaller age, I remember watching him tie his boots, dressed up in his uniform. My big brother? Very protective of me when I was a baby...never left my sight even when a friend or family member would even pat my head as I laid in my crib. He was also quite inviting with me in playing video games, although he kicked my ass so many times at whatever games we'd play...mostly a player vs. player in fighting-kicking, punching, combined with jumping-games. He, of course, would also make me laugh...by the faces he'd make and the voice impersonations...namely. But, he beared a rebellious nature as he and my dad would get into it at times, if not often...most of the time, the spats were my brother's fault...other times? Not so...ha, I never even seen them fight. The kid was also an avid artist of sketching, stenciling and the like...not to mention, a nerd at math and politics but described as a class clown(Capricorn traits). My brother would pick me up from school and we'd drive around the neighborhood listening to old school rap...Snoop Dogg, Wu-Tang Clan, Notorious BIG, Tupac, P.Diddy, etc. I'd mostly sit up front with him listening to the radio, sometimes, I'd be looking at him as he'd sing - mostly in a impersonating voice. He at one time, for once, defended me from a group of boys taunting me in the playground at school and threatened them to kick their asses if he'd catch them pick on me again. All in all? He's a good big brother.
Well, those are the majortity of the memories I have of my childhood. I wish, sometimes, if I think about it, that it was a dream...nothing but a sick and scary dream...I'd wake up and find my dad at my side with a drink at hand, calming me down. Or, he'd pick me up and take me to the room he and my mom would sleep in...and I'd sleep with them two. The next morning, I'd wake up and find my mom at the table, my dad cooking breakfast and my brother would be in the bathroom...and I'd smile, thinking how happy and thankful I am of finding my mom, dad and brother right there with me...:)
Ah, if this were a fragrance, it'd be sweet to the nose...smelling of roses
If this were a musical instrument, it'd be soothing to the ears...a sweet calming harp
If this were some music playing, it'd be cheerful but calming to my soul...Bach's Violin Concerto in E Major, BWV 1042 III
If this were a visual, it'd be beautiful to my eyes...nothing but clouds...in shades of lavendar, sky blue, light purple, gold and a cream colo
If this were a taste in my mouth, it'd be sweet and soft...tiramisu...
If this was my dying wish, I'd make it my will that my family would come back together and be at peace with each other
I want that back. I miss experiencing such happiness like that...
I imagine myself walking down a lonely-looking neighborhood at night during winter. There are cars parked outside a particular house and I stop and stand there, staring inside the house...and see a family gathering...children, grandparents, a few teenagers or young-looking adults, and middle-aged adults...talking, laughing, embracing one another and...just enjoying the company of the others or another...I'm just standing there, unnoticed...looking in. I long to reach the front and knock, at least be a part of that family for a moment and share laughter and good conversation with these folks...but the urge to continue looking in and bask in my precious memories is stronger...until I tire of it, and walk alone, on my way...wherever I'm going.
What are the memories of? My darling childhood past family get-togethers during holidays...my little cousin always hanging out with me, our moms and dads, our grandma and grandpa, our single and fun-loving aunt, our only uncle...the typical family ties we had...especially during Christmas. Man, do I miss opening up gifts containing Barbie accessories and more Barbie dolls:)
Is that all that goes through my head as my childhood? No...not even a bit. I was more close-knit with my grandma, my daddy and my cousin Koren Alyse Nowak...the sweet and sensitive little girl who always greeted me with a hug and kiss, with whom to color in coloring books, with whom to play "House", Barbie dolls or talk to...especially at our own kiddie table with little kiddie chairs, or with whom to go outside in the backyard and play inside a playhouse my grandma had for us, or swing on the swing-set. She always also cried whenever one of our grandparents would get after me - more my grandpa than my grandma...then our grandma would have to calm us both down or my cousin and I would hug each other, crying. She would also cry whenever I was leaving...obviously, I was crying too...I was already missing my cousin and my grandma.
My own family? We were pretty close...in some ways. I recall my mom just being the mom that she was - always making sure to take care of my older brother and I. My mom would also do the same for my dad, not to mention, her always dressed up for work...how I remember being in the backseat of the vehicle and looking at my mom caressing my dad's bald head. The times they laughed together, how I miss my 'Vatti's' laugh....full of life. The one thing I also remember was how good he was with kids. He loved spending time with my little cousins and I, especially if there was a family party going on - mostly at my paternal grandma's and if there'd been a moonwalk - a play-place that had been blown up and the kids would go in and jump, flip, bounce - play around with each other...my dad would join in and wrestle with my cousin and I. I didn't mind wrestling with him, although my cousin was a bit delicate when wrestling. Daddy always had a certain fragrance I loved so much when he'd come in the family room, after having been gone for a few weeks or a month...wearing a black, brown, green-shaded uniform with black boots and the same patterned cap...clean-shaven except for a mustache...little me would run up to him, shouting "Daddy! Daddy!" throwing my arms around him and he doing the same, welcoming me. Even at a smaller age, I remember watching him tie his boots, dressed up in his uniform. My big brother? Very protective of me when I was a baby...never left my sight even when a friend or family member would even pat my head as I laid in my crib. He was also quite inviting with me in playing video games, although he kicked my ass so many times at whatever games we'd play...mostly a player vs. player in fighting-kicking, punching, combined with jumping-games. He, of course, would also make me laugh...by the faces he'd make and the voice impersonations...namely. But, he beared a rebellious nature as he and my dad would get into it at times, if not often...most of the time, the spats were my brother's fault...other times? Not so...ha, I never even seen them fight. The kid was also an avid artist of sketching, stenciling and the like...not to mention, a nerd at math and politics but described as a class clown(Capricorn traits). My brother would pick me up from school and we'd drive around the neighborhood listening to old school rap...Snoop Dogg, Wu-Tang Clan, Notorious BIG, Tupac, P.Diddy, etc. I'd mostly sit up front with him listening to the radio, sometimes, I'd be looking at him as he'd sing - mostly in a impersonating voice. He at one time, for once, defended me from a group of boys taunting me in the playground at school and threatened them to kick their asses if he'd catch them pick on me again. All in all? He's a good big brother.
Well, those are the majortity of the memories I have of my childhood. I wish, sometimes, if I think about it, that it was a dream...nothing but a sick and scary dream...I'd wake up and find my dad at my side with a drink at hand, calming me down. Or, he'd pick me up and take me to the room he and my mom would sleep in...and I'd sleep with them two. The next morning, I'd wake up and find my mom at the table, my dad cooking breakfast and my brother would be in the bathroom...and I'd smile, thinking how happy and thankful I am of finding my mom, dad and brother right there with me...:)
Ah, if this were a fragrance, it'd be sweet to the nose...smelling of roses
If this were a musical instrument, it'd be soothing to the ears...a sweet calming harp
If this were some music playing, it'd be cheerful but calming to my soul...Bach's Violin Concerto in E Major, BWV 1042 III
If this were a visual, it'd be beautiful to my eyes...nothing but clouds...in shades of lavendar, sky blue, light purple, gold and a cream colo
If this were a taste in my mouth, it'd be sweet and soft...tiramisu...
If this was my dying wish, I'd make it my will that my family would come back together and be at peace with each other
I want that back. I miss experiencing such happiness like that...
Thursday, June 16, 2011
MISSING THE DAYS OF INNOCENCE...THE 1990S
Seems as though the years of innocence died once October of 1999 came along. My dad had become more abusive with me, and my mom - According to him - she had gotten too old, fat and ugly for him...something I learnt a year later of why he left her. - all the more reason to go out and find a wench whom was a mother of 4, right dad, you son of a bitch?! Meanwhile, my brother had become a father at the beginning of '99, my 5th grade year had begun like every other grade, but ended miserably...I no longer had a dad who'd come and get me, but my mom was left with most if not all the responsibility for me...until 2007 *sighs*
Well, in the music sense, my memories are all I have of what I was doing, where I was, who I was with and how old I was back then and the child I was...through music...
AC/DC: "Money Talks" was the first song I heard of this band while still a child. Between 6-7 years old is the most I remember it playing...despite the fact that more than 10 years later, I'd find out through research, that the album the song came off of, was released in 1990. AEROSMITH: "Dude Looks Like a Lady" is the first song I heard. I often recall hearing it while I was in the bathroom, doing my business...sometimes, I'd hear the vaccuum cleaner, nearby...which was something I was always scared of until I hit adolescence (the sound of a vaccuum cleaner) ALICE IN CHAINS: Although I'd hear them for the first time at 4-5 years old with the song called "Would?" playing on the radio while my dad would be driving to my beloved grandma's house, I didn't know - until 2001-2002 - (near his death) that it was Alice in Chains...same group I would hear 7 years later with "Get Born Again", as my grandparents had put on the rock station on my request - or my demand...while we were all driving back home from their vacation spot, same location as my parents'. My little cousin was with us at the time...and it was at night-time, as well. AXEL FOLEY: the theme song for a TV show I used to watch - "Beverly Hills Cop" - with my mom and her sister and their mother...only bits and pieces of it, as it had certain parts I was told not to watch. BILLY IDOL: Primarily, "Rebel Yell" - the song I would learn later on in life - was the first song I heard him sing in all my life - as a 5-6 year old. Then, during 3rd grade, "White Wedding" took its debut in my own ears...as my brother would be riding around the town or back home, with me in the car. BLUE OYSTER CULT: "Don't Fear the Reaper" was first known to me as a child...I am often taken back to the days of early day-care moments. When we were all lined up to go outside, go to lunch or to the restroom, I'd see a little blonde girl with a wedge cut, on the sideline at the jacket rack, starting to cry...either the teacher got after her or one of the kids were picking on her. BUSH: "Glycerine" was a hit song for my ears in 1997-1998. I'd hear it on my both my parents' radios. COLLECTIVE SOUL: "World I Know" would be playing on the radio - by my dad or older brother while one or the other would be driving around. I was 9-10 years old when I first heard it. DEPECHE MODE: I listened to this while I was in 2nd grade, although my mom and I were in her vehicle, driving around. My older brother was with her, too. I remember listening to an album called 'Violator'. I thought it was so beautiful. DIRE STRAITS: "Money for Nothing" was most remembered played while my parents and older brother and I were riding around our vacation spot - mostly, over a bridge, crossing water...the ocean, if you may...my brother would taunt me that if I didn't behave, he'd throw me overboard where all the "Grandma Toby's" were waiting to eat me...(I was often scared of my mother's mom, whom was called Grandma. Toby...she had a dog named Toby). Later on, if not a year or a few more later, "Walk of Life" would be heard by me...mostly as I laid in bed at night...and believe it or not, I was scared of this song. To this day, I still am, although I'm less likely to start crying out. DON HENLEY: if not one song, which I learnt later would be "End of the Innocence", then the whole cassette would be playing on my mom's radio...End of the Innocence would be playing while my dad would be driving my mom to work, then my dad would head back home and feed me and take me to school...Pre-K. THE DOOBIE BROTHERS: I was very small when I first heard "Listen to the Music" on my mom's stereo...If I'm not mistaking, this was before 1991, when my mom, dad and older brother - and I, of course, lived in an apartment in Killeen, Texas when I was still a toddler...2-3 years old. ERIC and THE DOMINOES: "Layla" was the song I heard most of the time. The guitar solo had a resemblence to one of my older cousins on my mom's family...my godmother's daughter...she was a bit cold and stern with me, however...as an older cousin. ERIC JOHNSON: The only song from this solo artist was "Cliffs of Dover" I ever heard of, in all my life. The first time hearing it, with a good memory, was in my bedroom, when I had just woken up. It was bright outside...and for some odd reason, I thought of Christmas. EVERLAST: Spring and summer of 1999 was when I'd hear "What It's Like" come on in my room, while I was doing what I was around the same time I heard TLC's "Scrubs" - for the first time. I fell for it since it had an amazing guitar solo. FOREIGNER: I was at my dad's sister's house - my dad's first little sister - and "I've Been Waiting for A Girl Like You" came on, on her radio. I was 3-4 years old. GENESIS: while we'd be riding home on our way back from our vacation spot 3 hours south, during every summer, I recall hearing a song called "One More Night" play on my mom's radio...if not a song with a more upbeat sound - most memoriable during my 3rd-4th grade years. GODSMACK: "Whatever", a song by the unknown band to me, at the time, would be blaring through the living room stereo as I'd be brushing my hair in the mirror in the hallway, after getting out of a shower, washing off the sand and ocean-water, from returning from the beach with my family...most during my 10th-11th years. GREEN DAY: When my dad would pick me up from school, we'd drive around the town - sometimes, he'd pick my brother up from school and we'd all drive around together...between "Basket Case", "When I Come Around" and "Good Riddance(Time of Your Life)", which would come on and I'd sing it out the best of my ability, they were the first songs I was listening to....by whom was found out years later. HARRY SIMEONE CHOIR: 2nd grade, Fall/Winter of 1996. During some of the days at school, while doing my class-work, along with the other students, I'd hear "Little Drummer Boy" come on the teacher's radio. The female voices reminded me of my grandma so much, I thought of her as much if not more so than I had done, naturally. NIGHT DIVINE(HOME ALONE VERSION): Ever since I was 5, this movie had been known to me. The song playing during the scene when Macaulay Culkin is walking home, coming across a church, the song 'Night Divine', sung by a children's pagant choir is being sung. I never knew of this song until I became an adolescent, as I took a very deep liking to it; it sometimes had me seemingly lovestruck or in tears. JIMI HENDRIX: I was 5-6-7 years old when I heard this group's song "Foxy Lady" on my dad's truck's radio, as my introduction to them, although I would find out later whom it was. This song was playing around the moment my dad was dropping me off at my godmother's house...something he always or frequently did when he and my mom had to go to work... KANSAS: A friend of my mom's had requested permission to have me come over to her house with her and her husband, with whom they had a child of their own - a girl, not even a year old, named Brianna Miller...she was strapped in her car-seat at that time. I had been strapped in my own car seat, sitting behind my mom's friend's husband. On the way over, "Point of No Return" was playing on the radio. I was 4-5 years old. LED ZEPPELIN: Living with my godmother - my aunt's sister at the time, at 2-3 years, I remember it being a family gathering since I saw my grandma there, although I don't recall my mom, dad or brother being there. The guitar solo to "Dancing Days", which had been playing, at that moment, fitted my maternal grandma for some odd reason. LIMP BIZKIT: I was in my brother's car when I heard 'Re-Arranged' play on his radio. I thought it was Everlast. MATCHBOX 20: Songs like "3AM", "Real World" and "Back 2 Good" were not only an introduction to Matchbox, but were also my favorites. I'd hear them on my radio at night as I'd fall asleep or on the car stereos during my 3rd and 4th grade years. METALLICA: Whenever I'd hear this most memoriable band, even as a young child, "Wherever I May Roam" would often play on the radio - mostly in front of my dad. NAZARETH: In my parents' vehicle when I was still a toddler. I think of my uncle - 19 years older than me, when I'd hear "Hair of the Dog". The middle section of the song, male voice making a funny sound had made me laugh. Nowadays, listening to that part, I just smile. NIRVANA: In between hearing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Come as You Are", they were both introductions to a band that would disband 3 years after these songs made their hit...and "Teen Spirit" was most memoriable to me as I'd think weirdly of some guy, dressed from head to toe all in black, even his head had been covered in a ski-mask hood...without his face covered...he'd kill himself with a knife..."Come as You Are" often had me think of my days at the day care I went to after school...in a more sad way as I was picked on as much over there as I had been at my elementary school. P. DIDDY: I recall during my 9th-10th year of life, after recently fracturing my left arm, my brother took care of me...but during one of our rides around town, "I'll be Missing You" was playing on the radio. I sometimes would sing or hum along as my brother would also PEARL JAM: Although I'd hear the songs off of their debut album released in 1991 as a young child, I'd hear them again on my godmother's radio at my grandma's house in 1999...my mom's family. The song that had been playing, during that early morning, was "Black"...one of the songs off of their debut album. PINK FLOYD: Riding around at night with my parents and older brother, I'd hear this song called "What Do You Want From Me?" playing...it was sometimes followed by another song I would find out 11 years later - "Take it Back"...both of several others came off Division Bell. I'd sometimes hear the primary track(What You Want From Me?) playing on my parents' stereo in the next room, in the morning...when it was time to get ready for school. I was 5-6 years old when I first heard of them. THE POLICE: "Message in A Bottle" would be playing on the radio in my parents' bedroom while I'd be laying in bed, trying to get some sleep. I was 4-5-6 years old when I first heard it. ROB ZOMBIE: "Dragula" was the introduction to this group I knew since then. Especially whenever my mom, dad, brother and I would vacate during the summer at our spot during the years of 1997-1999. SADE: 4-5 years old. "No Ordinary Love" would come on and play on my parents' stereo while I'd be sleeping. SARAH MCLACHLAN: Around 9-10 years old. The first song I head was "I Will Remember You" while I was in my room...during the summer days. THE SCORPIONS: "Still Loving You" would come on the radio when I was around 9-10 years old, when I first memorized it in my head...though I hated it when my mom would sing it. It was ironic that the first song I ever heard them play on my mom's stereo as young as almost 2 or 3, was "Wind of Change" while I was playing with my toys on the sofa. I looked up at my mom for some odd reason when it would play, although I would find out it was this same band years later when I'd be a teenager. SHERYL CROW: I was around 10-11 years old when I heard "My Favorite Mistake" on my radio...in my room, obviously. SMASHING PUMPKINS: In between hearing "Zero", "Disarm" and "Bullet with Butterfly Wings", all three of them were my introduction to this band...mostly at 10. SNOOP DOGG: Like I had reminisced in my previous blog, I had heard "Gin and Juice" mostly during the summer of 1994 - as my mom and dad were searching for a parking spot on the beach. My older brother was obviously with us...neither of my parents liked rap or hip-hop. SOUNDGARDEN: Age 4, 1992...Around the same time when I first heard an unknown song by an unknown band("Would?" by Alice in Chains) on my dad's radio. It happened again, this time with a song I would learn, years later, would be "Outshined". Ironically, this song was also playing while my dad and I, once again, were en route to my beloved grandma's house. STEELY DAN: I'd hear "Do It Again" at 5-6-7 years old while I was in the shower. STING: Alongside hearing Pink Floyd's What Do You Want From Me? while my parents were driving around at night - in my pajamas, along with my brother, I'd hear "Fields of Gold" playing. STONE TEMPLE PILOTS: The most memoriable song was "Creep", having frequently listened to it with my dad, while riding around in his car, him singing along to it when I was 10-11 years old...and little did I know that it was an actual reference to him and what he had become and what he used to be, as a family man...but I never knew who would play this song until years later (2009). T.L.C.: "No Scrubs" is most remembered playing in my room while I was either coloring in my coloring books or playing with my Barbie dolls, even at 11...during the spring and summer of 1999. TEARS FOR FEARS: Thinking it was Depeche Mode because of the lead singer's voice, the song 'Shout' was much like Depeche Mode's. I was still in 2nd grade when I first heard of this song. TEMPLE OF THE DOG: The lyrics "I'm going hungry" would often have me singing along to it...little did I know it was called "Hunger Strike". It'd be playing on my mom's radio in the year of 1998-1999...the most memoriable time of my life, as I often thought of my dad's younger sister at that time. TOM PETTY: I would hear "Breakdown" on the radio in my parents' vehicle...I was 4-5 years old when I first heard of it. I was always thinking about my paternal grandma picking me up from the day care I went to after school. TONIC: I'd be trying to get some sleep while I heard 'The Way' play on my radio during my 3rd grade year. U2: "New Year's Day" was the first song I'd hear of this band...at the tender age of 5-6. I'd be at my grandma's house(the one I was more afraid of) when I'd hear this song play on the radio nearby...my parents and older brother were visiting with her at that time. VAN HALEM: The first song I heard this band play was surprisingly "Why Can't This Be Love?" play in my parents' bedroom...I was around 5 when I first heard that song...Ever since, however, it's one song I WILL NOT listen to as it scares the living hell out of me...gives me goosebumps, but as a younger child, it scared me enough that I would howl in tears... VANESSA WILLIAMS: Within 5, 6, 7 years of age, while trying to get some sleep in my room, I'd hear this song - I would learn later, called 'Save the Best for Last' on the stereo in my parents' bedroom. This sometimes put me to sleep. THE WALLFLOWERS: Around the same time I'd hear 'Basket Case', 'Good Riddnace' or 'When I Come Around', was also the same time I'd hear "One Headlight"...although I never knew the song or the band playing the song. WHEN IN ROME: After taking my shower, during the summer between my 3rd grade and 4th grade years I would hear "The Promise" come on as I'd be getting dressed...more so when I was left alone during the summer while both my parents and older brother were at work. WU-TANG CLAN: Although I was initially introduced to this band at age 4-5 with "Da Mystery of Chessboxin' ", I stayed away from that song as it had a gunshot firing in the middle of the song...but by my 3rd grade year. My brother would pick me up from school on some occasions and as we'd be riding back home or around town, the band would be playing on his radio...I was somewhat brave enough to not get scared of "Mystery of Chessboxin' " by that time
Well, in the music sense, my memories are all I have of what I was doing, where I was, who I was with and how old I was back then and the child I was...through music...
AC/DC: "Money Talks" was the first song I heard of this band while still a child. Between 6-7 years old is the most I remember it playing...despite the fact that more than 10 years later, I'd find out through research, that the album the song came off of, was released in 1990. AEROSMITH: "Dude Looks Like a Lady" is the first song I heard. I often recall hearing it while I was in the bathroom, doing my business...sometimes, I'd hear the vaccuum cleaner, nearby...which was something I was always scared of until I hit adolescence (the sound of a vaccuum cleaner) ALICE IN CHAINS: Although I'd hear them for the first time at 4-5 years old with the song called "Would?" playing on the radio while my dad would be driving to my beloved grandma's house, I didn't know - until 2001-2002 - (near his death) that it was Alice in Chains...same group I would hear 7 years later with "Get Born Again", as my grandparents had put on the rock station on my request - or my demand...while we were all driving back home from their vacation spot, same location as my parents'. My little cousin was with us at the time...and it was at night-time, as well. AXEL FOLEY: the theme song for a TV show I used to watch - "Beverly Hills Cop" - with my mom and her sister and their mother...only bits and pieces of it, as it had certain parts I was told not to watch. BILLY IDOL: Primarily, "Rebel Yell" - the song I would learn later on in life - was the first song I heard him sing in all my life - as a 5-6 year old. Then, during 3rd grade, "White Wedding" took its debut in my own ears...as my brother would be riding around the town or back home, with me in the car. BLUE OYSTER CULT: "Don't Fear the Reaper" was first known to me as a child...I am often taken back to the days of early day-care moments. When we were all lined up to go outside, go to lunch or to the restroom, I'd see a little blonde girl with a wedge cut, on the sideline at the jacket rack, starting to cry...either the teacher got after her or one of the kids were picking on her. BUSH: "Glycerine" was a hit song for my ears in 1997-1998. I'd hear it on my both my parents' radios. COLLECTIVE SOUL: "World I Know" would be playing on the radio - by my dad or older brother while one or the other would be driving around. I was 9-10 years old when I first heard it. DEPECHE MODE: I listened to this while I was in 2nd grade, although my mom and I were in her vehicle, driving around. My older brother was with her, too. I remember listening to an album called 'Violator'. I thought it was so beautiful. DIRE STRAITS: "Money for Nothing" was most remembered played while my parents and older brother and I were riding around our vacation spot - mostly, over a bridge, crossing water...the ocean, if you may...my brother would taunt me that if I didn't behave, he'd throw me overboard where all the "Grandma Toby's" were waiting to eat me...(I was often scared of my mother's mom, whom was called Grandma. Toby...she had a dog named Toby). Later on, if not a year or a few more later, "Walk of Life" would be heard by me...mostly as I laid in bed at night...and believe it or not, I was scared of this song. To this day, I still am, although I'm less likely to start crying out. DON HENLEY: if not one song, which I learnt later would be "End of the Innocence", then the whole cassette would be playing on my mom's radio...End of the Innocence would be playing while my dad would be driving my mom to work, then my dad would head back home and feed me and take me to school...Pre-K. THE DOOBIE BROTHERS: I was very small when I first heard "Listen to the Music" on my mom's stereo...If I'm not mistaking, this was before 1991, when my mom, dad and older brother - and I, of course, lived in an apartment in Killeen, Texas when I was still a toddler...2-3 years old. ERIC and THE DOMINOES: "Layla" was the song I heard most of the time. The guitar solo had a resemblence to one of my older cousins on my mom's family...my godmother's daughter...she was a bit cold and stern with me, however...as an older cousin. ERIC JOHNSON: The only song from this solo artist was "Cliffs of Dover" I ever heard of, in all my life. The first time hearing it, with a good memory, was in my bedroom, when I had just woken up. It was bright outside...and for some odd reason, I thought of Christmas. EVERLAST: Spring and summer of 1999 was when I'd hear "What It's Like" come on in my room, while I was doing what I was around the same time I heard TLC's "Scrubs" - for the first time. I fell for it since it had an amazing guitar solo. FOREIGNER: I was at my dad's sister's house - my dad's first little sister - and "I've Been Waiting for A Girl Like You" came on, on her radio. I was 3-4 years old. GENESIS: while we'd be riding home on our way back from our vacation spot 3 hours south, during every summer, I recall hearing a song called "One More Night" play on my mom's radio...if not a song with a more upbeat sound - most memoriable during my 3rd-4th grade years. GODSMACK: "Whatever", a song by the unknown band to me, at the time, would be blaring through the living room stereo as I'd be brushing my hair in the mirror in the hallway, after getting out of a shower, washing off the sand and ocean-water, from returning from the beach with my family...most during my 10th-11th years. GREEN DAY: When my dad would pick me up from school, we'd drive around the town - sometimes, he'd pick my brother up from school and we'd all drive around together...between "Basket Case", "When I Come Around" and "Good Riddance(Time of Your Life)", which would come on and I'd sing it out the best of my ability, they were the first songs I was listening to....by whom was found out years later. HARRY SIMEONE CHOIR: 2nd grade, Fall/Winter of 1996. During some of the days at school, while doing my class-work, along with the other students, I'd hear "Little Drummer Boy" come on the teacher's radio. The female voices reminded me of my grandma so much, I thought of her as much if not more so than I had done, naturally. NIGHT DIVINE(HOME ALONE VERSION): Ever since I was 5, this movie had been known to me. The song playing during the scene when Macaulay Culkin is walking home, coming across a church, the song 'Night Divine', sung by a children's pagant choir is being sung. I never knew of this song until I became an adolescent, as I took a very deep liking to it; it sometimes had me seemingly lovestruck or in tears. JIMI HENDRIX: I was 5-6-7 years old when I heard this group's song "Foxy Lady" on my dad's truck's radio, as my introduction to them, although I would find out later whom it was. This song was playing around the moment my dad was dropping me off at my godmother's house...something he always or frequently did when he and my mom had to go to work... KANSAS: A friend of my mom's had requested permission to have me come over to her house with her and her husband, with whom they had a child of their own - a girl, not even a year old, named Brianna Miller...she was strapped in her car-seat at that time. I had been strapped in my own car seat, sitting behind my mom's friend's husband. On the way over, "Point of No Return" was playing on the radio. I was 4-5 years old. LED ZEPPELIN: Living with my godmother - my aunt's sister at the time, at 2-3 years, I remember it being a family gathering since I saw my grandma there, although I don't recall my mom, dad or brother being there. The guitar solo to "Dancing Days", which had been playing, at that moment, fitted my maternal grandma for some odd reason. LIMP BIZKIT: I was in my brother's car when I heard 'Re-Arranged' play on his radio. I thought it was Everlast. MATCHBOX 20: Songs like "3AM", "Real World" and "Back 2 Good" were not only an introduction to Matchbox, but were also my favorites. I'd hear them on my radio at night as I'd fall asleep or on the car stereos during my 3rd and 4th grade years. METALLICA: Whenever I'd hear this most memoriable band, even as a young child, "Wherever I May Roam" would often play on the radio - mostly in front of my dad. NAZARETH: In my parents' vehicle when I was still a toddler. I think of my uncle - 19 years older than me, when I'd hear "Hair of the Dog". The middle section of the song, male voice making a funny sound had made me laugh. Nowadays, listening to that part, I just smile. NIRVANA: In between hearing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Come as You Are", they were both introductions to a band that would disband 3 years after these songs made their hit...and "Teen Spirit" was most memoriable to me as I'd think weirdly of some guy, dressed from head to toe all in black, even his head had been covered in a ski-mask hood...without his face covered...he'd kill himself with a knife..."Come as You Are" often had me think of my days at the day care I went to after school...in a more sad way as I was picked on as much over there as I had been at my elementary school. P. DIDDY: I recall during my 9th-10th year of life, after recently fracturing my left arm, my brother took care of me...but during one of our rides around town, "I'll be Missing You" was playing on the radio. I sometimes would sing or hum along as my brother would also PEARL JAM: Although I'd hear the songs off of their debut album released in 1991 as a young child, I'd hear them again on my godmother's radio at my grandma's house in 1999...my mom's family. The song that had been playing, during that early morning, was "Black"...one of the songs off of their debut album. PINK FLOYD: Riding around at night with my parents and older brother, I'd hear this song called "What Do You Want From Me?" playing...it was sometimes followed by another song I would find out 11 years later - "Take it Back"...both of several others came off Division Bell. I'd sometimes hear the primary track(What You Want From Me?) playing on my parents' stereo in the next room, in the morning...when it was time to get ready for school. I was 5-6 years old when I first heard of them. THE POLICE: "Message in A Bottle" would be playing on the radio in my parents' bedroom while I'd be laying in bed, trying to get some sleep. I was 4-5-6 years old when I first heard it. ROB ZOMBIE: "Dragula" was the introduction to this group I knew since then. Especially whenever my mom, dad, brother and I would vacate during the summer at our spot during the years of 1997-1999. SADE: 4-5 years old. "No Ordinary Love" would come on and play on my parents' stereo while I'd be sleeping. SARAH MCLACHLAN: Around 9-10 years old. The first song I head was "I Will Remember You" while I was in my room...during the summer days. THE SCORPIONS: "Still Loving You" would come on the radio when I was around 9-10 years old, when I first memorized it in my head...though I hated it when my mom would sing it. It was ironic that the first song I ever heard them play on my mom's stereo as young as almost 2 or 3, was "Wind of Change" while I was playing with my toys on the sofa. I looked up at my mom for some odd reason when it would play, although I would find out it was this same band years later when I'd be a teenager. SHERYL CROW: I was around 10-11 years old when I heard "My Favorite Mistake" on my radio...in my room, obviously. SMASHING PUMPKINS: In between hearing "Zero", "Disarm" and "Bullet with Butterfly Wings", all three of them were my introduction to this band...mostly at 10. SNOOP DOGG: Like I had reminisced in my previous blog, I had heard "Gin and Juice" mostly during the summer of 1994 - as my mom and dad were searching for a parking spot on the beach. My older brother was obviously with us...neither of my parents liked rap or hip-hop. SOUNDGARDEN: Age 4, 1992...Around the same time when I first heard an unknown song by an unknown band("Would?" by Alice in Chains) on my dad's radio. It happened again, this time with a song I would learn, years later, would be "Outshined". Ironically, this song was also playing while my dad and I, once again, were en route to my beloved grandma's house. STEELY DAN: I'd hear "Do It Again" at 5-6-7 years old while I was in the shower. STING: Alongside hearing Pink Floyd's What Do You Want From Me? while my parents were driving around at night - in my pajamas, along with my brother, I'd hear "Fields of Gold" playing. STONE TEMPLE PILOTS: The most memoriable song was "Creep", having frequently listened to it with my dad, while riding around in his car, him singing along to it when I was 10-11 years old...and little did I know that it was an actual reference to him and what he had become and what he used to be, as a family man...but I never knew who would play this song until years later (2009). T.L.C.: "No Scrubs" is most remembered playing in my room while I was either coloring in my coloring books or playing with my Barbie dolls, even at 11...during the spring and summer of 1999. TEARS FOR FEARS: Thinking it was Depeche Mode because of the lead singer's voice, the song 'Shout' was much like Depeche Mode's. I was still in 2nd grade when I first heard of this song. TEMPLE OF THE DOG: The lyrics "I'm going hungry" would often have me singing along to it...little did I know it was called "Hunger Strike". It'd be playing on my mom's radio in the year of 1998-1999...the most memoriable time of my life, as I often thought of my dad's younger sister at that time. TOM PETTY: I would hear "Breakdown" on the radio in my parents' vehicle...I was 4-5 years old when I first heard of it. I was always thinking about my paternal grandma picking me up from the day care I went to after school. TONIC: I'd be trying to get some sleep while I heard 'The Way' play on my radio during my 3rd grade year. U2: "New Year's Day" was the first song I'd hear of this band...at the tender age of 5-6. I'd be at my grandma's house(the one I was more afraid of) when I'd hear this song play on the radio nearby...my parents and older brother were visiting with her at that time. VAN HALEM: The first song I heard this band play was surprisingly "Why Can't This Be Love?" play in my parents' bedroom...I was around 5 when I first heard that song...Ever since, however, it's one song I WILL NOT listen to as it scares the living hell out of me...gives me goosebumps, but as a younger child, it scared me enough that I would howl in tears... VANESSA WILLIAMS: Within 5, 6, 7 years of age, while trying to get some sleep in my room, I'd hear this song - I would learn later, called 'Save the Best for Last' on the stereo in my parents' bedroom. This sometimes put me to sleep. THE WALLFLOWERS: Around the same time I'd hear 'Basket Case', 'Good Riddnace' or 'When I Come Around', was also the same time I'd hear "One Headlight"...although I never knew the song or the band playing the song. WHEN IN ROME: After taking my shower, during the summer between my 3rd grade and 4th grade years I would hear "The Promise" come on as I'd be getting dressed...more so when I was left alone during the summer while both my parents and older brother were at work. WU-TANG CLAN: Although I was initially introduced to this band at age 4-5 with "Da Mystery of Chessboxin' ", I stayed away from that song as it had a gunshot firing in the middle of the song...but by my 3rd grade year. My brother would pick me up from school on some occasions and as we'd be riding back home or around town, the band would be playing on his radio...I was somewhat brave enough to not get scared of "Mystery of Chessboxin' " by that time
Monday, June 6, 2011
A day in my life...working...
"Rise and shine, sunshine...time to wake up..." is the voice inside my dazed head that goes off as soon as my cell phone alarm goes off at 4:15a.m....and as chilly as it is, in my room, and not wanting to get out of my warm bed - head on pillow or on bedspread and wrapped up inside a fleece blanket, I turn off my alarm, throw it across my sprawled out body and get up...cranky; I certainly would rather sleep until a beautiful sunrise beams through my blind-and curtain-covered window than going to work only to satisify a number of fellow co-workers and rich fat-cat guests who can afford to stay and enjoy luxury and being treated like royalty
I turn on my computer, put on some music, get my uniform - only a dark grey pair of pantsm grey shirt, - scrubs, basically - and a black shirt - or another dark -colored one if my black shirt is dirty...heck, I don't care if it's not grey or white, the latter in which I don't even look good in, anyways...so, whatever I wear underneath my uniform shirt, is just that...take it or leave it, folks, it's my body, my uniform, my clothes, MY CHOICE!
After coming out, smelling of either a fruit or flower scent, I throw them on, and do my hair...depending on if I want to leave it down in a pixie cut or spike up the front (today I'm leaving it in a pixie). Then I have my daily coffee - either from the coffee pot or from the ice box - the cold coffee - and hang out on my computer until 10-5 mintutes before I leave, in which I put on my uniform shirt, shoes, sweater (it's cold in the transport I'm about to go in) and grab my handbag, consisting of books, a journal, a purse that has my keychain, beholding my mailbox and apartment keys, and turn off my computer at 4-3 minutes within boarding, brush my teeth, turn off my lights, head out, lock my door, and head out to the bus stop across my living room and bedroom windows in front of some bushes...and wait until it shows up, show the man my monthly bus pass I get for free from my job, and sit...I normally sit in he front since I feel safe...especially since I'm traveling by myself even though there are people around me.. I don't talk to anyone since I read my book 'The Next 100 Years' and at least try to comprehend the stuff it's talking about...until I'm at this medical center I and other people get off at, and I normally stand off by myself, in between a number of bus stops...until I see my next bus to take me to my next point...and board. This time, since it takes more than 20 minutes to get there, depending on how many people get on, get off, it takes more than 20 minutes, surely...and since that's always the case, I catch up on my sleep...often waking up and going back to sleep - just to make sure I didn't miss my stop...which I never do, but double-checking is often the best reward I can do for myself. Then, when we do get there, which is nothing more than University of Texas in San Antonio, I stand off again, by myself, unless the closest bus stop is empty...I hate being surrounded by a bunch of snobby university students since they often remind me of my high school classmates...being the kid who always or often tried to fit in or involve myself...only to be ignored or shunned...and in result, overtime, cared less and less about being in a group...only finding comfort in daydreaming or diving into a book or journaling. Anyways, I stand off by myself or sit at an empty bus stop until my final bus comes along...and thank God it's my last one that lasts only a few minutes...and since I've a friend whom I consider very dear to me, who has a love of Asian culture and people (not all but some) and also is a sucker for Hispanic culture, a group of seasonal workers working at a famous theme park, board the bus...AND THEY'RE ASIAN!!! Right away, I start thinking very much of him - and how I would try not to laugh hard as he would be gushing over the prettiest girl he could find - and there are a few I think are the prettiest things - especially since I like it when their hair glows reddish or reddish brown in the morning sunlight...and believe it or not, I'd love to take a picture from my cell-phone, pretending to text my grandma...but I think again, since from behind me are other people who could be looking at me doing this(WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST MIND THEIR DAMNED FUCKING BUSINESS?!!!!!!) But, also, I pull the cord and get off at my stop, across the way from my work...and I run across the street and walk up a hill, despite the fact that my job has it's own transport, but 99.9% of the time, they don't show up and I show up late...it;s ALL because of the fucking lazy dim-witted guests...and besides, I love to walk up the hill, listening to nothing but my feet on the ground...until vehicles exit and enter...and I continue on my way, not minding if one slows and asks me if I'd like a ride to the place I go inside of...and it's a co-worker, not a guest...after all, I perceive them as arrogant, snobby people looking down on us - especially if we're hoousekeepers, stewards, cooks, engineering staff, etc...fuck them. We're the types who are on the outside looking in...and are sometimes, if not often, aware of the fact that the world around us is just sick, corrupt deceitful...you name it. I make it 20-30 minutes later(it takes me that long from the entrance to the permisces to the entrance to the building), inside...but always on time...and punch in - early or on time...since I like working once I show my little face there. My job consists of stocking up trays with supplies: shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, soap bars...and that's only one rack of those trays...my next rack or two consists of the same, except with these supplies: coffee bags(decaf and regular), toilet paper, tissue boxes, mini trays with colsters, coffee colsters(the ones you slide through the cup with...) and tea bags...and depending on how many are ALREADY done and those that aren't done, that's what I depend on...and if more are ALREADY done, and those that I took care of, all before I am to leave - which is ALWAYS at 2p.m., I ask if more needs to be done, and if I could do just that, I stay and do that...or otherwise, I'm told to leave...unless the bosses are up on the floors helping my fellow housekeeping co-workers...and I leave...to hell with it! I want to go home, my work is done, I don't want to stay and eat, I want to go home to be with my friends, to catch up on my rest and what-not...and I take a different bus route...I either walk down the hill and wait for the bus to take me back to the university - and the bus is usually empty...and I always wait for it for some time...and once I board my second bus, which takes a shorter time to get to my apartment, I feel more at ease...and then, I get to my last bus stop apartments across the street of the sidelines of a supermarket. I then, wait for my last bus(my home bus in front of that supermarket) to take me to my apartment's bus stop...and it's always an hour instead of 2, to get me back home...and once I get off and head back to my apartment, I bulb my hands into fists, look from the corners of my eyes, walking like a confident little woman...but at the same time, one who feels the urge to attack if threatened...and I also look behind me, making sure no one's following me...and I always walk at a fast pace - and even so while I'm unlocking my door to my apartment - and locking it once I'm inside my sanctuary...my safe haven...and then, I'm on my own doing my own thing...and that's my daily routine for working days...:)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Wow, what a continous inspiration....
Wow...what had just happened? Hmmm? Well, let's see...I see a friend of mine, who happens to be an ex-boyfriend, and what happened? Well, we talk? What do we talk about? His seizures...and the fact that they're bad...not as bad as last year, but bad enough that he has to take some kind of different medication for it...and as soon as he's done with that, he gets back only to tell me 'anyway, gotta go. later' and JUST before I can say 'Fine, later' - since because we haven't talked that much lately - and since I'm in need of someone to talk to, I don't want him to go, but to care for someone, you've to have respect for that person, right? Well, before I could reply back with my good-bye, he f-ing gets offline...but I say to myself, 'Thanks, alot [so-so] I never got to say good-bye.' I'm hurt...hurt but at the same time, thinking 'THIS IS THE EXACT REASON WHAT MADE ME CHOOSE A SWEET FOREIGN[EUROPEAN OR SOUTH-EAST ASIAN LAD] AS A SWEETHEART OVER A TYPICAL AMERICAN GUY'
Speaking of two specific sweet guy friends of mine, (A Brazilian who's mainly of Italian and Portuguese descent and a German bloke) they don't get offline without me saying good-bye...it's only good manners. Boy, if only I could see them both, I wouldn't feel this sick with loneliness and emptiness that comes after being left, without giving a farewell response...or even a long while without talking to a nice guy friend...even if it's my ex-boyfriend...the one who logged off before I could say good-bye, myself.
It's as if I don't have a voice...like I feel like no one wants to hear what I've to say but what that person says is more important....and yet, I catch myself talking more about myself or other stuff - either way, I sometimes over-talk...sometimes, it's karma, sometimes, it's not...
But, then again, has this always happened to me? Feeling like as if I needed to say something that was more important in the past? Yes. With my ex-boyfriend, I have. With a gay guy friend of mine who has an intellectual mind, more than my own, yes - especially last year...I felt so desperate....I needed more than myself and my imaginary friends to talk to...I needed someone else to talk to besides just 2 guy friends - one who acted like he didn't notice my e-mails and what I said and kept blabbing about what he found more interesting - which I perceived as his are more important than mine - and they consisted of epilepsy, computers, youtube videos - nothing serious to talk about, basically - or wouldn't even show a slight interest in what I had said...while the other guy only responded with quick and short responses like 'ok', 'don't know', 'no', 'yes'...or sometimes, he'd just tell me he had to leave or he wouldn't even respond...basically, was on autopilot...he was there, online, but he wasn't responding to anything in long detailed responses or acted like he wasn't there...either way, with whichever guy, I felt so neglected, unwanted, dull and even wondered if they thought I was pathetic...it was always the same ol' crap that I needed to talk about...but what more is there that I could do? Guys here in this city are no-good...and I don't care enough to search for guys elsewhere outside the state of Texas within the United States...given the impression that American men in general are of the following:
1. arrogant, snotty men in university who look down on those who have to work for money while 'mommy and daddy' get to pay for their expensive way of living
2. lustful, smutty pigs who get more turned on by the look of a girl's ass or boobs than by what book she's looking at
3. self-centered bastards who are more interested in the latest gadget of electronics, auto, news on which team won their favorite sport - making like as if girls or their girlfriends don't exist!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WASN'T I BORN IN GERMANY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY COULDN'T MY DAD KEPT HIS FUCKING PROMISE TO MY MOTHER, THAT HE'D SEND FOR HER, WHILE HE WAS STILL STATIONED IN FULDA?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WAS I BORN IN THIS SHIT-HOLE OF A COUNTRY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....I don't know...but maybe I was supposed to be born there...otherwise, why do I have a fondness for German guys my age, the culture, the history, the music, the regional weathers, foods, the people from the regions - Leipzig, Berlin, Hamburg, Stuttgart, Munch - wherever...the castles, the countrysides, the food stalls, the cities, the small towns during Christmas, the traditional lederhosen, the love of football(soccer to Americans)...man, they're one of the few European groups I'd rather date, be him bearing brown, black, dirty blonde, or blonde hair with green, blue, dark or grey eyes - no matter if he speaks fluent German and no English or has trouble speaking English but wishes to learn it, fluent in German or is fluent in both English and German. Be him decent or rare, I don't care...I'd like him for his serious demeanor, sense of punctuality, diligence, family-oriented, has an interest in other cultures and some forms of art, is sensitive but intelligent, tough but logical. He doesn't have to look like a German Brad Pitt but he doesn't need to be 'butt-ugly' to attract me...all that attracts me are his personality, intelligence, the way he treats his family and friends...same goes for Italians, Czechs, Danes, Irish and Scottish laddies...I feel these Euro-men give me more of the better impression and more of the motivation to relocate than an American gives me more of what needs to be done to stay put.
Well, done, my fellow American men, for you all inspired me to dislike you and reject your advances toward me. Get lost...I don't need any of you. The only men I'll ever love, until I've a boyfriend(he'll become someone I'll love as well and as much) are my grandpa, dad, cousins, and older brother and my 4 kid brothers.
Speaking of two specific sweet guy friends of mine, (A Brazilian who's mainly of Italian and Portuguese descent and a German bloke) they don't get offline without me saying good-bye...it's only good manners. Boy, if only I could see them both, I wouldn't feel this sick with loneliness and emptiness that comes after being left, without giving a farewell response...or even a long while without talking to a nice guy friend...even if it's my ex-boyfriend...the one who logged off before I could say good-bye, myself.
It's as if I don't have a voice...like I feel like no one wants to hear what I've to say but what that person says is more important....and yet, I catch myself talking more about myself or other stuff - either way, I sometimes over-talk...sometimes, it's karma, sometimes, it's not...
But, then again, has this always happened to me? Feeling like as if I needed to say something that was more important in the past? Yes. With my ex-boyfriend, I have. With a gay guy friend of mine who has an intellectual mind, more than my own, yes - especially last year...I felt so desperate....I needed more than myself and my imaginary friends to talk to...I needed someone else to talk to besides just 2 guy friends - one who acted like he didn't notice my e-mails and what I said and kept blabbing about what he found more interesting - which I perceived as his are more important than mine - and they consisted of epilepsy, computers, youtube videos - nothing serious to talk about, basically - or wouldn't even show a slight interest in what I had said...while the other guy only responded with quick and short responses like 'ok', 'don't know', 'no', 'yes'...or sometimes, he'd just tell me he had to leave or he wouldn't even respond...basically, was on autopilot...he was there, online, but he wasn't responding to anything in long detailed responses or acted like he wasn't there...either way, with whichever guy, I felt so neglected, unwanted, dull and even wondered if they thought I was pathetic...it was always the same ol' crap that I needed to talk about...but what more is there that I could do? Guys here in this city are no-good...and I don't care enough to search for guys elsewhere outside the state of Texas within the United States...given the impression that American men in general are of the following:
1. arrogant, snotty men in university who look down on those who have to work for money while 'mommy and daddy' get to pay for their expensive way of living
2. lustful, smutty pigs who get more turned on by the look of a girl's ass or boobs than by what book she's looking at
3. self-centered bastards who are more interested in the latest gadget of electronics, auto, news on which team won their favorite sport - making like as if girls or their girlfriends don't exist!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WASN'T I BORN IN GERMANY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY COULDN'T MY DAD KEPT HIS FUCKING PROMISE TO MY MOTHER, THAT HE'D SEND FOR HER, WHILE HE WAS STILL STATIONED IN FULDA?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WAS I BORN IN THIS SHIT-HOLE OF A COUNTRY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....I don't know...but maybe I was supposed to be born there...otherwise, why do I have a fondness for German guys my age, the culture, the history, the music, the regional weathers, foods, the people from the regions - Leipzig, Berlin, Hamburg, Stuttgart, Munch - wherever...the castles, the countrysides, the food stalls, the cities, the small towns during Christmas, the traditional lederhosen, the love of football(soccer to Americans)...man, they're one of the few European groups I'd rather date, be him bearing brown, black, dirty blonde, or blonde hair with green, blue, dark or grey eyes - no matter if he speaks fluent German and no English or has trouble speaking English but wishes to learn it, fluent in German or is fluent in both English and German. Be him decent or rare, I don't care...I'd like him for his serious demeanor, sense of punctuality, diligence, family-oriented, has an interest in other cultures and some forms of art, is sensitive but intelligent, tough but logical. He doesn't have to look like a German Brad Pitt but he doesn't need to be 'butt-ugly' to attract me...all that attracts me are his personality, intelligence, the way he treats his family and friends...same goes for Italians, Czechs, Danes, Irish and Scottish laddies...I feel these Euro-men give me more of the better impression and more of the motivation to relocate than an American gives me more of what needs to be done to stay put.
Well, done, my fellow American men, for you all inspired me to dislike you and reject your advances toward me. Get lost...I don't need any of you. The only men I'll ever love, until I've a boyfriend(he'll become someone I'll love as well and as much) are my grandpa, dad, cousins, and older brother and my 4 kid brothers.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Personal remedy(ies) for a scattered brain
Blogging....this, over writing in a journal(not that I don't take as much of an interest in writing, anymore) is better since I don't have to look down on my writings, straining my neck, shoulders and back, reducing my fingers, wrist and hand (I'm not ambidexterous nor am I a lefty)to soreness and hurting the muscles in my arm.
What is it with blogging - here or on facebook(preferablly here since I don't have to worry about posting stuff in limited characters and what-not) - that I like so much? Take it like this: Whether or not you're in a lowly mood - pissed off or depressed - be it over thinking and analyzing aspects in life around you or your personal life or because someone you just spoken to - via computer, phone or in person, put you in that particular mood, you can instantly enter whatever's going through your head on the computer and post it, smiling at it since you're happy with your current up-to-date status, and feeling better after that...it's like releasing a heap of rage locked inside your body - and punching your punching bag in your patio (if you have one) is good exercise and a good remedy; better than going on a rampage and killing everyone you see that annoys you or better than keeping it inside and telling yourself you'll be okay..which may be a form of some kind of reassurance but sooner or later, the shit inside your body being bottled up is bound to come out in a most unhealthy way...hurting someone close to you or yourself.
While there are other remedies to heal yourself besides letting it out and getting exercise by hitting a punching bag, there are others to do so....writing in the journal, playing an instrument - preferrably an acoustic guitar or keyboard, cranking up some music, sleeping, making a cup of hot tea and a bowl of fresh fruit or reading a book or, preferrably the Bible.
Think about it: wouldn't any of these above cures be better than committing heinous crimes or causing trouble? It's also a logical way of thinking...well, at least if you're writing in your journal or blogging on the computer....heck, even playing a nice puzzle game online can help you think about your next move rather than thinking of how to get back at whomever it is making your life a living hell...or how to put yourself out of your own misery...which is the worst thing to do or even attempt to do
And? If you're blogging? You could type up a topic (the title) and type up one thing and another blog entry about another thing...or you could put them both under one topic and paragraph the blogs seperately...hehe, I'm sure one already knows how to do that. But in case one doesn't, well, let that person know how.;)
Well, what more can I say about blogging? It's a good remedy - or one of some good remedies to clense your mind, heart and soul...in one way or another.:)
What is it with blogging - here or on facebook(preferablly here since I don't have to worry about posting stuff in limited characters and what-not) - that I like so much? Take it like this: Whether or not you're in a lowly mood - pissed off or depressed - be it over thinking and analyzing aspects in life around you or your personal life or because someone you just spoken to - via computer, phone or in person, put you in that particular mood, you can instantly enter whatever's going through your head on the computer and post it, smiling at it since you're happy with your current up-to-date status, and feeling better after that...it's like releasing a heap of rage locked inside your body - and punching your punching bag in your patio (if you have one) is good exercise and a good remedy; better than going on a rampage and killing everyone you see that annoys you or better than keeping it inside and telling yourself you'll be okay..which may be a form of some kind of reassurance but sooner or later, the shit inside your body being bottled up is bound to come out in a most unhealthy way...hurting someone close to you or yourself.
While there are other remedies to heal yourself besides letting it out and getting exercise by hitting a punching bag, there are others to do so....writing in the journal, playing an instrument - preferrably an acoustic guitar or keyboard, cranking up some music, sleeping, making a cup of hot tea and a bowl of fresh fruit or reading a book or, preferrably the Bible.
Think about it: wouldn't any of these above cures be better than committing heinous crimes or causing trouble? It's also a logical way of thinking...well, at least if you're writing in your journal or blogging on the computer....heck, even playing a nice puzzle game online can help you think about your next move rather than thinking of how to get back at whomever it is making your life a living hell...or how to put yourself out of your own misery...which is the worst thing to do or even attempt to do
And? If you're blogging? You could type up a topic (the title) and type up one thing and another blog entry about another thing...or you could put them both under one topic and paragraph the blogs seperately...hehe, I'm sure one already knows how to do that. But in case one doesn't, well, let that person know how.;)
Well, what more can I say about blogging? It's a good remedy - or one of some good remedies to clense your mind, heart and soul...in one way or another.:)
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