Invinicibilty?
Sheesh...I've known it almost my whole life if not most of my life. It's also when I think to myself what my purpose is here. No one who says they're my friend, comes over to see me. They don't invite me to outtings like a meet up at a restaraunt or a movie or something of the sort... Well, thanks to my job, that's what's mainly or partially killing it. But, when I'm not working, all I ever do is stay at home. The only people who make themselves available physically, are my grandparents and my dad, mostly, these days.
I should have never been born had this been planned for me. Think on it:
My life is pathetic and boring...I'll admit it, after all I'm single, I'm a housekeeper, I live in an apartment that I've been living in for 2 years...not a hot shot pricey type...more like the type one can read a book without hearing the stereoes being heard from above or hearing someone moaning in the middle of the night from next door...sickening as it sounds, it's true...it's peaceful...but wouldn't a swimming pool or a basketball court, walking trail or a sand volleyball court do the trick??? It's no wonder why America is the fattest country in the world. But, if this life was planned out for me since before I was born or the moment I was born, why couldn't someone just leave me for dead? Spare me the heartbreaks I'd endure from two failed relationships, the traumatizing experinece of two close-knit parents (in my eyes) splitting before my very eyes at an age of 11-12 years, the trashy, punky, cruel-hearted, snotty, smutty, brown-nosed, ignorant and selfish bullies who'd make my life miserable by pretending to be friends of mine when they backstabbed me, turned on me, betrayed me, never stood up for me, those who did the picking on me and didn't stop especially if I cried or became angry. Or, to make it worse? The old stand by of shunning and rejection...and while I'm at it, you could have spared me the ignorance of some family members who don't even look at me and talk to me while I'm watching and watching my own family dissolve into groups and talking about specific things. While, I'm the one who's yearning for a friend to be at my side, to pull me back and look at me and talk to me and just hold me! I feel like I'm more of the outcast in my own family, as I did in school...yearning for a special person to reach out for me and take me along with him and just talk to me...same thing goes at work where I feel so alone...face it...I'm a fucking loser...and yet, when I talk about wanting to travel to a country where someone wants me to visit (someone who's my friend) and I tell that person, that person ends up trying to discourage me and try to convince me not to go...and what? Do the same shit every - single - fucking - day of my pathetic life, while you bastards go WHEREVER the hell YOU want? Fuck that! I'm not staying here like some fucking dim-wit in a cage only to go out to fight for food and back to the cage...no! I want to travel somewhere out of this hell in a hole! You don't like it?! Tough! This is MY life! I worked hard for it! I want some kind of reward for it! If I can't have a salary, might as well travel abroad...and make a move in trying to get the hell out of here...out of the U.S. just like one of my aunts did.
No comments:
Post a Comment