Although it's been 4 years since I experienced my first MAJOR heartbreak and I generally have come a pretty far way since then, the wounds from that "hole in my heart" exist...and still hurt. But, it also kinda helps me to realize that those kind of people aren't worth my time, tears, money or my life waiting for.
The wounds that particular hurt me the most are the ones that were bestowed on me, - witnessing the things he [Zachary] did to me(except he never hit me although he threatened to, later on in our "relationship") such as take more of an interest in his guy friends, other girls, his movies, music, video games and pornography than in me - his girlfriend. I tolerated this since because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy, but as the months went by, - close to the end of the year, I began to realize that my role was nothing more than being his sex object...the conversations consisted more of sex than on both our well-beings, including mine...but the funny thing is and was, when I hung out with a close guy friend of mine, at that time, he(my bf) would show that he was jealous - whether or not he made it obvious to me, but I found my best friend better than my boyfriend since I laughed more than I cried...I felt my confidence increase to a balanced level, although I still thought I was a physically unattractive woman. The cruelest part was when I was at my peak of depression, hopelessness and a need to be put out of my own musery...when I had approached that dear friend of mine, like I always did, and had asked him if he thought my boyfriend loved me, which I never failed to ask when I was usually feeling uncertain about us. He had told me, that my boyfriend basically NEVER EVER loved me AT ALL...I felt everything - the feeling of my heart splitting in two, the rage since I felt betrayed after all this time, the immense tears pouring out of my eyes - and the feeling like I was going to pass out or die. That was the very first time in my life I had ever experienced something as major as that - although I could be exaggerating since I've always been too damned sensitive for my own good. For years, I've become more of someone who'd rather think him dead to me than think he's a human being...human beings have hearts, souls, a sense of caring, thinking, feeling, knowing and a sense of guilt, shame...I viewed him as nothing more than a hedonistic person who cares about nothing or no one but himself. In addition, since I've NEVER wanted to be intimately involved with him, each and every time he had asked me back out, which I'd initially declined, he'd suddenly begin to trash mouth me...I would succumb to his want, JUST to shut the hell out of him and for him to leave in peace...but in reality, I was wanting to remain single, alone, and wanting to suffer the effects of a recent break-up from someone I REALLY loved...
Nowadays, if that prick was to ask me back out via phone call and if he trashed mouth me for declining his advances, I'd love to do nothing more than to do this:
"Oh, Zach, shut the fuck up! Now, I tell you, what the hell did I ever do to you to deserve what you put me through?! What?! I didn't do a damned thing to you except love you and be there for you when you wanted me to be there...but never once did you do anything for me except use me for firing up your hormones, you little prick! Now, let me tell you, you're dead to me! You mean absolutely nothing to me - all because you made me a fool! You betrayed me, you cheated me, you left me for dead and you didn't fucking care...you call me a retarded bitch at birth? Well, I may be slow, but I'm not retarded! I may be a bitch, but at least I admit it! If I were you, look in the mirror to find out who the retard is, you fucking loser! Now, don't ever contact me again...ever. Leave me be."
Nowadays, I feel closed off to guys who fail to show how much they care about those they care about and love, who use girls as a piece of an ass or a piece of trash and for those guys who feed off girls' misery than making them feel worthwhile...it'd be nice to have a guy who could show how much he truly loves me, how much he cares about me, how much he needs me, how much he wants to share the things that make him happy as he'd want me to do the same and to make me happy - AND VICE VERSA.
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