Invinciblity...(originally created on May 24, 2011)

Invinicibilty?
Sheesh...I've known it almost my whole life if not most of my life. It's also when I think to myself what my purpose is here. No one who says they're my friend, comes over to see me. They don't invite me to outtings like a meet up at a restaraunt or a movie or something of the sort... Well, thanks to my job, that's what's mainly or partially killing it. But, when I'm not working, all I ever do is stay at home. The only people who make themselves available physically, are my grandparents and my dad, mostly, these days.
I should have never been born had this been planned for me. Think on it:
My life is pathetic and boring...I'll admit it, after all I'm single, I'm a housekeeper, I live in an apartment that I've been living in for 2 years...not a hot shot pricey type...more like the type one can read a book without hearing the stereoes being heard from above or hearing someone moaning in the middle of the night from next door...sickening as it sounds, it's true...it's peaceful...but wouldn't a swimming pool or a basketball court, walking trail or a sand volleyball court do the trick??? It's no wonder why America is the fattest country in the world. But, if this life was planned out for me since before I was born or the moment I was born, why couldn't someone just leave me for dead? Spare me the heartbreaks I'd endure from two failed relationships, the traumatizing experinece of two close-knit parents (in my eyes) splitting before my very eyes at an age of 11-12 years, the trashy, punky, cruel-hearted, snotty, smutty, brown-nosed, ignorant and selfish bullies who'd make my life miserable by pretending to be friends of mine when they backstabbed me, turned on me, betrayed me, never stood up for me, those who did the picking on me and didn't stop especially if I cried or became angry. Or, to make it worse? The old stand by of shunning and rejection...and while I'm at it, you could have spared me the ignorance of some family members who don't even look at me and talk to me while I'm watching and watching my own family dissolve into groups and talking about specific things. While, I'm the one who's yearning for a friend to be at my side, to pull me back and look at me and talk to me and just hold me! I feel like I'm more of the outcast in my own family, as I did in school...yearning for a special person to reach out for me and take me along with him and just talk to me...same thing goes at work where I feel so alone...face it...I'm a fucking loser...and yet, when I talk about wanting to travel to a country where someone wants me to visit (someone who's my friend) and I tell that person, that person ends up trying to discourage me and try to convince me not to go...and what? Do the same shit every - single - fucking - day of my pathetic life, while you bastards go WHEREVER the hell YOU want? Fuck that! I'm not staying here like some fucking dim-wit in a cage only to go out to fight for food and back to the cage...no! I want to travel somewhere out of this hell in a hole! You don't like it?! Tough! This is MY life! I worked hard for it! I want some kind of reward for it! If I can't have a salary, might as well travel abroad...and make a move in trying to get the hell out of here...out of the U.S. just like one of my aunts did.

Broken-heartedness followed by immense neglegence for him

Although it's been 4 years since I experienced my first MAJOR heartbreak and I generally have come a pretty far way since then, the wounds from that "hole in my heart" exist...and still hurt. But, it also kinda helps me to realize that those kind of people aren't worth my time, tears, money or my life waiting for.
The wounds that particular hurt me the most are the ones that were bestowed on me, - witnessing the things he [Zachary] did to me(except he never hit me although he threatened to, later on in our "relationship") such as take more of an interest in his guy friends, other girls, his movies, music, video games and pornography than in me - his girlfriend. I tolerated this since because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy, but as the months went by, - close to the end of the year, I began to realize that my role was nothing more than being his sex object...the conversations consisted more of sex than on both our well-beings, including mine...but the funny thing is and was, when I hung out with a close guy friend of mine, at that time, he(my bf) would show that he was jealous - whether or not he made it obvious to me, but I found my best friend better than my boyfriend since I laughed more than I cried...I felt my confidence increase to a balanced level, although I still thought I was a physically unattractive woman. The cruelest part was when I was at my peak of depression, hopelessness and a need to be put out of my own musery...when I had approached that dear friend of mine, like I always did, and had asked him if he thought my boyfriend loved me, which I never failed to ask when I was usually feeling uncertain about us. He had told me, that my boyfriend basically NEVER EVER loved me AT ALL...I felt everything - the feeling of my heart splitting in two, the rage since I felt betrayed after all this time, the immense tears pouring out of my eyes - and the feeling like I was going to pass out or die. That was the very first time in my life I had ever experienced something as major as that - although I could be exaggerating since I've always been too damned sensitive for my own good. For years, I've become more of someone who'd rather think him dead to me than think he's a human being...human beings have hearts, souls, a sense of caring, thinking, feeling, knowing and a sense of guilt, shame...I viewed him as nothing more than a hedonistic person who cares about nothing or no one but himself. In addition, since I've NEVER wanted to be intimately involved with him, each and every time he had asked me back out, which I'd initially declined, he'd suddenly begin to trash mouth me...I would succumb to his want, JUST to shut the hell out of him and for him to leave in peace...but in reality, I was wanting to remain single, alone, and wanting to suffer the effects of a recent break-up from someone I REALLY loved...
　
Nowadays, if that prick was to ask me back out via phone call and if he trashed mouth me for declining his advances, I'd love to do nothing more than to do this:
"Oh, Zach, shut the fuck up! Now, I tell you, what the hell did I ever do to you to deserve what you put me through?! What?! I didn't do a damned thing to you except love you and be there for you when you wanted me to be there...but never once did you do anything for me except use me for firing up your hormones, you little prick! Now, let me tell you, you're dead to me! You mean absolutely nothing to me - all because you made me a fool! You betrayed me, you cheated me, you left me for dead and you didn't fucking care...you call me a retarded bitch at birth? Well, I may be slow, but I'm not retarded! I may be a bitch, but at least I admit it! If I were you, look in the mirror to find out who the retard is, you fucking loser! Now, don't ever contact me again...ever. Leave me be."
Nowadays, I feel closed off to guys who fail to show how much they care about those they care about and love, who use girls as a piece of an ass or a piece of trash and for those guys who feed off girls' misery than making them feel worthwhile...it'd be nice to have a guy who could show how much he truly loves me, how much he cares about me, how much he needs me, how much he wants to share the things that make him happy as he'd want me to do the same and to make me happy - AND VICE VERSA.

The basic bio.

Basics
Name: Anastasia Cassandra Saenz
Nicknames: Leprechaun, Shorty, Shrimp, Troll, Gnome, Saenz, Cass, Ana, Stasi, Stasia, Tasya, Stashi, Sa-sa, Sha-sha, Preemie(due to my early birth)
Birthday: December 6, 1987
Place of Birth: San Antonio, TX
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
Sex: Female
Class: 2007
School: Thomas Jefferson High School
Occupation: Housekeeper/Stocker
Residence: San Antonio
AIM: Don't have one, but I DO have Y! Messenger (stanzisaenz@att.net)

Your Physical Appearance
Hair Color: Black
Hair Length: Short-cut
Eye Color: Dark brown
Hair Style: Pixie cut
Height: 4'10
Braces: No
Glasses: Yes
Piercings: Just on the ears - and one earring per ear
Tattoos: None
Righty or Lefty: Righty

Your "Firsts"
First best friend: Brianna Miller
First Award: An elementary school award for Honor Roll
First Sport you Joined: None
First pet: A part-mutt named Buddy and a black cat named Ching
First Real Vacation: Houston, TX. July 22 - 26, 2005 with grandparents(does THAT count as REAL?) 
First Concert: Depeche Mode, 1998
First Love: A blonde-head, blue-eyed boy named Benjamin Valdez...who ALSO wore glasses and was in my Pre-K class(1992-1994) 

Favorites
Movie: Any kind except mainstream shit
TV Program: Military Channel
Color: You mean COLORS - which are: Celtic green, Army green, black, brown, Purple(my birth color), Blue, and red shades!
Rapper: None
Band: Any band as long as it's not mainstream crap
Song Right Now:
Place to be: Ireland, Southwest German states, Southeast and South Brazil(during months of March - September)
Sweet: Sour Gummy Worms
Sport: Jogging, Dancing, Basketball and Tennis
Restaraunt: It depends
Favorite brand: Depends on what I'm buying
Store: Depends on what items the store sells
School Subject: History, Art and Literature
Animal: Cats and other small and furry animals
Book: The bible, horoscopes, psychology, travel, culture, sociology, philosophy, medical related or history books
Magazine: None
Shoes: Tennis shoes   

Currently
Feeling: determined but calm
Single or Taken: Single
Have a crush: Yes
Eating: Nothing...I've already ate...some Marie Calendar's frozen food
Typing: What do you think I'm typing, smart-aleck?
Online Right Now: Nah, I'm in computer world somewhere in Mercury, telling you my answers - OF COURSE, I'M ONLINE, YA IDIOT
Listening to: Scorpions "Always Somewhere"
Wanting to: Do nothing but rest, spend time with my friends and my family
Watching: My screen as I type
Wearing: pajamas (red tank top with gym pants)   

Your Future
Want Kids?: Yes
Want to be Married?: Yes
Careers in mind: Librarian...psychologist or - even if it seems far-fetched, - an actress!
Where do you want to live: If I can't reach my goal sometime by next year, I'll be looking to relocate, far away
Car: Jaguar, BMW, Volkswagon, Milan, Mercedes

Which is Better With the Opposite Sex
Hair Color: Red, brown, or black with blonde streaks or brown, blonde, or red-headed with dark streaks
Hair length: Cut short or neck length
Eye color: Green, blue, gray, hazel green, blue-gray or plain dark like mine
Measurements: Height, you mean? Taller than me. I don't care about any other measurements, anywhere else, other than the height
Cute or sexy: Cute
Lips or eyes: Don't matter
Hugs or Kisses: Both
Short or Tall: Like I said, TALL-ER TH-AN ME, dummy (hey, that rhymes!:D)
Easygoing or serious: Serious but knows how to be an easygoing chap
Crazy or normal: Normal, but with crazy tendencies
Fat or skinny: Healthy...I like for him to have a bit of fat so I can poke and pinch him around, playfully, of course...but skinny, so I can massage him when he's under pressure...stress-wise
Sensitive or Loud: Sensitive...I like sensitive guys
Hook-Up or Relationship: Relationship
Sweet or Evil: Sweet, of course
Loud or Shy: Shy, but knows how to at least take initiative in some areas   

Have you Ever
Kissed a stranger: No
Had alcohol: a week or 2 ago
Smoked: Never have, AND ABSOLUTELY NEVER WILL
Ran Away From Home: The closest I had ever gotten to running away from home was when I had my bag packed and right at the doorstep of the front of my house...as a teenager, of course...it was my mom who persuaded me not to do so...
Broken an arm: Yes...more like fractured it; Spring of 1998: I was at the front porch with my rollerblades on, my mom had told me to stay put while she was going to get my helmet, arm, wrist and knee pads...but, being as stubborn and rebellious as I sometimes, if not often, am, took off but while I was going into the neighborhood sidewalk, there was a crack and a little bit of a step up in between tghe concrete, which made me trip and I fell...arm and wrist-first...and needless to say, I was crying - more like screeching my voice-box out...and I had been rushed to the hospital where I had my X-Rays taken for my fracture.
Got an X-Ray: Yes
Been in love: Definitely...and it sometimes, if not often, hurts like hell
Broke someones Heart: Probably so...and I definitely do regret it, IF I had done so...
Broke up With someone: Yes...4 times...once with one guy and 3 more times with another guy(December 2007 - March 2008), (December 2008 - January 2009), and again (June - August 2009)...and since then, I've been single but not looking to go back out with the first two - especially my first one...EVER again...the little dingbat loser.
Cried When Someone Died: Of course...when my great-uncle died in 2005 - a day before I began the 2005-2006 school year, I shed tears but I shed so many more when 4 more members of my household died before...and they weren't my human relatives.
Cried At School: Definitely...more than I can count 

Do You Believe in
God: Yes
Miracles: Yes
Love at First Sight: No
Ghosts: Spiritually, Yes
Aliens: No
Soul Mates: Of course...we, sometimes, have to step back and not look too hard; the person we could be looking for could be right in fron of us...emotionally, physically, or spiritually...or a little bit of all the above - AND THAT GOES TO PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL SINGLE WHO WANT TO FIND THEIR SOUL MATE.
Heaven: Yes
Hell: Yes
Angels: Yes
Kissing on the First Date: No. I have to take things slow
Horoscopes: Somewhat 


Answer Truthfully
Is There Someone you Want But You Know You Can't Have?:
No. Although I'm waiting for the right one to come to me...